I remember...

• I remember finding out I was pregnant. I remember not being able to sleep because I wanted to take that damn pregnancy test. And then peeing on it, and then running in and showing Ed.
  
• I remember throwing up. Every smell set me off. ESPECIALLY THAT ONE RIGHT THERE GET IT AWAY FROM ME. EW.
  
• I remember reading almost non-stop about my pregnancy. I think that I felt that the more I read about it, eventually it would become real.
  
• I remember feeling the baby kick for the first time. I remember freaking out when I didn't feel it again for like a week... I even called up the doctor and asked them if there was something wrong.
   
• (Answer: No, you crazy pregnant chick.)
  
• I remember having no clue how much my life was going to change. And knowing that I had no clue.
  
• I remember our birthing classes. I remember the excitement that was in the air.
  
• I remember the warm nights walking out of the class, I remember perfect moments driving home. Knowing that I was preparing for the hardest thing I'd done thus far in my life.
  
• I remember being 36 weeks pregnant, and feeling that 6 more weeks? Would be the death of me. SIX MOAR WEEKS?! THAT'S LIKE... A MILLION YEARS!!
  
• I eventually started answering the question, "When are you gonna have that baby?" with "NEVER. SHUDDUPIHATEYOU."
  
• I remember waking up at 10:30pm, on Friday, July 2nd with a contraction. I waited about a half hour to an hour to text Ed. And he still didn't come home for an hour after that... (I wanted to be POSITIVE that I was in labor. When I finally went to the hospital, I was not gonna get sent home.)
  
• I remember pushing. I pushed like my life depended on it. Part of it was that I was DONE. BEING. PREGNANT. GET THIS EFFING BABY OUT OF ME!!
  And another part of it was that I wanted to meet her. I was bringing my baby into the world. And what better motivation is there?!
  
• I remember looking over after they took her off my stomach, to weigh her and what-not, I looked at Ed, and he embraced me, tears rolling down our faces. In that moment, everything was perfect. In that moment, we had become a family.

When people ask me, "So, how is it? Being a mommy?" It's wonderful, amazing, perfect, fulfilling. And it's stressful, and challenging, and non-stop. It's flipping your life upside down. It's giving up nearly everything selfish, and doing for the baby. Always thinking of someone else.

And it's those moments. When she looks at you.. When she smiles.. When she laughs.. When she touches your face, and stares adoringly at you.

Parenthood is the hardest thing I've ever done. But worth every second. Every sleepless night. Every hour she's spent screaming non-stop.

It's everything I've ever dreamed of... Everything I've ever wanted from life.

Some random story that I'm pretty sure no one cares about other than me.

Our sweet Layli-girl spent the night at Aunt Danielle's last night. Which, seeing as how I've been on non-stop mommy duty since she dropped her off on Monday afternoon, I was very grateful. Plus, I got to hang out with some completely awesome people. Well, and get completely sh-mammered. What else would a mommy do on a night off??


I had the option of letting her stay over there tonight as well. But as soon as Ed dropped me off from the bar, I was guilt-ridden and going through Layli-withdraws. It was awful.
I think I even cried. (I r pathetic. )

It's weird how much I can miss that little crying, poop machine. ;-)

I got to Danielle's house today, and she was asleep, but immediately woke up. Cranky and obviously hungry. I think if she could, she would eat her hands. But, luckily for us, they're too big to fit in her mouth.

So, I made her a bottle, and she ate the entire damn thing. Girl was HON-GREH. She never just sits there and eats. She will take an hour to eat a whole bottle. (It's quite frustrating, but when I approached the pediatrician about this, he was like, welll, she doesn't have a weight problem. So, uhhh, why are you worried again?? And what exactly do you want me to do about it?? THANKS FOR THE HELP, DOC. At least I ain't payin' you. (Good ole Uncle Sam) )

Wait, what was I talking about again??

Oh yeah, so I packed her up and headed home. At three o'clock.
CHILD STAYED ASLEEP UNTIL 7pm!!

At which point she woke up, and proceeded to scream at us for an hour. I mean, pissed off, cannot-and-will not-be-happy-DON'T-EVEN-TRY-WOMAN type screaming.

But she was apparently a little angel for Aunt Danielle.

Because, of course she was.

Even slept through the night for her.
Because, of course she did.

WHAT'S THE SECRET HERE? Shot of rum in the formula? Sleeping pills?? Continuous drops on the head until she finally 'goes to sleep'. Are you 'putting her to sleep' via a choke hold?? I must know her methods!!

And, well, she's passed out again. At 9pm.

I'll take it. After an hour of being screamed at... I'll take it. I would much rather a sleeping angel than a pissed off baby with a screaming fetish.

O HAI.

So, I suppose I should update this damn thing. You see, being a mother takes away a lot of energy and time for a lot of things. Whoda thunk it, right?

Anyway, sweet Layliana is most definitely here. In her almost 10 week-old glory. She's beautiful, and perfect. And just about the most wonderful thing on this planet.

Before I had her, I tried to ask all the moms I knew about what their first moment was when they saw their child. I heard a lot of different reactions. From one mom who was terrified of her child for the first few hours, to some moms who were indifferent. Some moms were relieved...

I guess I was trying to know... Trying to predict what my moment would look like.

The moment they sat her on my chest, I was... In love. I was captivated. All I could do was touch her and tell her, "Hi, Beautiful"
She was the single most beautiful thing I'd ever seen up to this point in my life.

And she's such a joy. We're both so in love, though I think I'm a little more head over heels for her at this point. Daddy still thinks she's more of a pain right now. Just wait until her personality really starts to shine and he'll be a goner!

Everyday we just sit there for as long as she'll let me, and just smile and laugh and be in the greatest mood. It's so amazing to see her. To watch her grow every day.

Life hasn't been easy since she arrived. It's not just the stress of a new baby, there's stresses on our relationship, and my battle with Postpartum depression.

After I stopped breast-feeding, I sank so low. I should have known right away that it was more than 'baby blues'. But I didn't. At my 6-week postpartum appointment, I asked the doctor for some medicinal help.

It's been 3+ weeks since I started taking it, and it's finally started to kick in. My hormonal insecurities that were eating at my relationship have all but disappeared.
And truthfully? It feels amazing not to be depressed anymore. It hurt so bad. I'm finally getting back to a point where I feel better than I think I ever have in my entire life. (For the most part, I've always battled hormones.)

My sweet baby girl has given me a reason to work on myself. I want to be a better person, a better mommy, for her. She's honestly the light of my life, and my future husband is my world.

This family ain't perfect. We have laundry that piles up that I think I will be working to diminish for the rest of my life. We have dirty dishes in the sink and I don't think I've taken a shower today. (Totally on my list though! ;-) )

But I love this little family. So completely. I've changed from the girl that I was almost a year and a half ago. I'm a mommy now. I'm a woman.
And for the first time, in probably ever, I love myself. I love my life.

Thank you, Layliana. For giving me so much more than you will ever know...

No baby.

Just sayin'...

There's no baby here.

I'm beginning to think she's settled in for a long winter's nap. Or that she's actually not a baby at all, and just a growth that people have failed to diagnose correctly. A growth that started 9 months ago.

Done.

Did I mention that part? SO. DONE.

Someone like you...

As last summer's end approached, temperatures were dropping and so was my ability to tolerate the pain that I had been voluntarily subjecting myself to since spring.
Someone was hurting me, on a near constant basis.
This song played, and it was like a call to the universe. I could use somebody. I'm ready now... I'm ready. I'm ready now. Somebody...

And I suppose I opened my eyes, because there he was.  Beautiful. Sweet. Thoughtful. Amazing. Brilliant.

And while it took me longer than it should have to finally realize the scope of my feelings for him, this song always made me think of him. Driving on my way home, the sun setting off in the distance in front of me. The wind blowing in my hair. And thoughts of him involuntarily running through my head.

He stole my heart, that summer. The long nights, and long talks. I was a goner from the beginning. As soon my heart was ready, he was ready for me.

And every time I hear that song now... It brings me back to the summer sun and the breeze in my hair, and the feelings that were stirring inside of me. That has now opened up into the most amazing relationship I've ever been in. Not without its struggles, but the struggles aren't what make us. It's how we get through them, with work and more love than I could have imagined.

I love you, ECR. More than words could ever hope to express.
And for the rest of my life, I will love you.

Lesson for today: Never tempt the universe.

When my dad was visiting yesterday, he asked how I was feeling.
My response? "Not that bad, actually. Not as bad as I thought I would by this point."

And then what does my body do? Makes me look like a lying liar. All the while, making me suffer unbelievable amounts.


Today has been awful. AWFUL. This morning, I woke up feeling just fine. Rested, which is actually a surprise for a Monday.
Then? I went and got PENCIL LEAD stuck in my foot, like a splinter. Which took 45 minutes of gouging in my foot to remove.
Then, after the pencil lead was removed... My nose started bleeding. Profusely.

On the way to work, Ed was driving me since he had a road trip to (and from) Little Rock today, and I actually had the nerve to say, "I think I should call in today. Whaddya think?"
His response was a normal Ed response. "No. You'll learn something with me, I don't like it when people shirk their responsibilities, so I won't ever let you do it. BLAHBLAHBLAH."

Truth is, I was feeling a bit... Off. Not good, for sure. It was hard to catch my breath, but not in the normal 'Oh-Theres-A-Baby-where-my-lungs-once-were' kind of way. It was more of a light-headed, I think I'm gonna pass out sorta way.

And then with the Braxton Hicks contractions, plus he was gonna be gone all day, leaving me without a way to go home should I need to.

Sure enough, come lunch. I ate. 30 minutes later, I got nauseous. And, I don't throw up. Only when I absolutely cannot avoid it any longer OMFG, IHATETHROWINGUP.
It's a mental block thing. Probably completely unhealthy. Meh...

I have been on the verge of throwing up all day long. And guess what totally helps??
BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS.

Man. There have been a butt-load of them today. And last night. And geez-us. I am Done with this.

But for now? I will cuddle with my man, and get some rest.

When I dream a perfect dream, you are in it, my love.

This morning, shortly before being awoken by a rude fly trying to kiss me. Repeatedly... I had a dream.

This dream was so beautiful, so perfect. Layliana was in it. In all of her newborn glory.

I gave birth to her. It was a normal labor and delivery, as normal as I can remember. I remember she came out, and they took her away from me. I had to go out and find her and yell at them to bring her back. Which was actually kind of difficult, since I'd just given birth and wasn't really feeling 100% yet.

By the time I got her back, she was so hungry. She was more than ready to breastfeed, and so I did. I remember in my dream, I had to replace my nipple once it was in her mouth. (My friend told me, Shove the whole thing in there!) And so I did, and it didn't hurt hardly at all, and it was just such a beautiful feeling, to nurse my child. My baby. My daughter.

I am already so much in love with her, I am ready to meet her.

Dear Baby Girl,

Hey there, sweet daughter o' mine...
You little rascal...
You little munchkin who pummels me every chance.
My sweet, baby girl whom I love so, so very much.

Just a thought... Just a quick idea I'd thought I'd run by you... See what you think of it. If you don't like it, you can throw it right back to me.

Would you mind it so much if you decided to go head-down, like YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BY NOW??

The thing is, the doctor's don't like it when you stay head-up. They won't let me push you out of me, and they'll instead gut me like a fish in order to get you out of me.
And there's just all sorts of complications from that? And I don't really want to be gutted like a fish?
Though, anything to keep you healthy, of course.

I was just thinkin'... if you don't have a problem with that, that it would really work out for both of us.

Love Always. And Forever.

Mommy

Friday. Again. G**damnit.

Happy:

• Cuz it's Friday.
• I had a sleep over last night, and it was fun. I passed out later than I usually do, but still at an unbelievably early hour. My 19 year old self would be ashamed.
• Tomorrow marks my weekend. 
• Last Sunday was filled with obligations on both mine and Ed's parts. We spent time together, technically, but didn't really get the time that we needed to make it another week without REALLY missing each other. And then, The Hell that was Monday happened, and he went to spend the night AND OMGZ.
  This Sunday? He promised would be allll for me.
  And I'm taking it. That's right! I am being selfish with mah man this Sunday, and keeping him all to myself.

Not Happy:

• This weekend is reserved for ME and ME ALONE (While Ed's not awake or home). For? Cleaning. That's right. I will not let myself sleep the weekend away like I do *every* weekend.
• This is the last day that my boss won't be at work. Part of me is happy about this, as some stresses will go down. But part of being her assistant means that her stresses become mine anyway, and those? Will go up. Yippee.
• WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN MY THANK YOU CARDS YET?! Whoops.

Seriously, every week, I reach Friday, and I am partially astonished that another week has gone by, HOW DARE IT?! I am not a week closer to my due date. And now that we're in the last 2 months, time just seems to be ticking down. Almost like I can hear it every second of every day.
And, then again, on Friday, I welcome it with open, exhausted arms. Every week seems to be longer than the preceding one. Every week is physically more taxing on me. Every week, I say, "If it wasn't Friday, I'd be flipping this week off and saying, 'Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Every week.

I don't know why Friday is such a huge issue for me. Perhaps because every Saturday means I'm another week along.

Also, What the EFF, May? You can't SERIOUSLY be SERIOUS about ending. Because, you're like what? 10 days away from quitting? SCREW YOU, MAY. I'm not talking to you anymore.

That's when I, I look at you...

I know it's cheesy, but I needed this on this dreary morning.

Miley Cyrus - When I look at you

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

 I love you, Ed. You are my light that reaches me when nothing else will. You are my strength when I feel like I am at the bottom of a hole and can't see a way out, and am too tired from digging myself there. You love me, in spite of all of my short-comings. You hold me, and I feel safe again. You kiss me, and I am flooded with all the love I have for you.


Layliana, I wish there were words to describe how much I love you. You make me want to be better, a better momma, a better role model for you. I love you, little girl. You are slowly, but surely becoming my world. I would break down walls for you, I would fight the whole world for you.
When I think I have nothing left, I think about you inside of me, and it gives me the strength, the knowledge that I have something to fight for now.

Focus on the good.

No. I will not focus on last night. On the fact that I spent 5 hours in a place where no 7 1/2 month pregnant chick should be.
I will not focus on the fact that if I had been there any longer, I might have actually gone into labor.

I will not focus on the fact that I slept alone last night, or the fact that I got frustrated with my cat, and kicked him out of the house to go play. And when he didn't come back by the time I went to bed, I just forgot about him. And when he did show back up this morning, he had a huge gash on his face.

I will not focus on how that makes me a bad mom. Or how, if I can't even take care of my cat, in the hell is someone going to entrust me with the safety of a newborn?!

I will instead focus on how when I did leave the hellish place, the one person I wanted was Ed. His face, his embrace. His kisses. Everything was what I needed at that moment. I finally felt safe again.
Even though he did leave to spend the night (It was a party that they'd been planning for a couple of weeks. I couldn't tear him away from it because I didn't want to be alone. I'm not 5. I'm about to have a baby, and I need to grow up and be more independent.)

I'm going to focus on the text I got from him last night, the one where he said he misses me? And wishes I was there? The one that jolted me out of a dream about aforementioned 'hellish place', and put a smile on my face. A text that after receiving, I was sent back into dreamland with positive, loving thoughts. Because of a text from the right person.

The right person. And he so is. The right one for me. The man who wants to fight for me. Who gets scared for me, who loves me with all of himself.

I will also choose to focus on the beautiful day outside.
The sun shining brightly.
The birds that are singing right outside my window as I work.
And my daughter.
Who is now head down, again. (Though, not to jinx anything here..)
Who is my motivation. When I was in said hellish place, one thought kept running through my head. And from that one thought, I found more strength than I ever knew I had. "Be strong... Be strong for her."

I haven't completely repaired physically from the little jaunt into 'hellish place'. My back is still in enormous amounts of pain, and I'm having more contractions that I'm comfortable with.
But I'm out. I'm here. With the freedom to choose to focus on the beautiful things.
With the the choice to be strong, for my daugther.
With the ability to love a man who is more beautiful than all the stars in a midnight sky.

Because, though I mess up. I stumble, I fall. I get tripped by bullshit in life,
I am still a strong woman, as long as I make the right choices.

Write what you know..

This is what I know...

Sometimes I think that I got too lucky.
That the man that's currently asleep in my bed? Is too much. That I hit a jackpot, and I wasn't even going for the gold.

He's going to be an amazing partner, the perfect support for when I eventually push this little girl out.

He's going to fall in love with her the moment he sets his eyes on her. And he's going to love her with everything that he has in him.

He's going to raise her right, believing that hard work, and doing the right thing are how you live. Not always how you get ahead, but you don't compromise yourself to do that.
And if you're asked to compromise yourself and your beliefs to succeed? It isn't worth it.

He's going to give her everything he can.

And that man? Who I got lucky enough to be with me, to love me, to choose me... Will love me for the rest of his life.
He will kiss me when I'm 30 pounds heavier, insisting that I am just as beautiful as I was before.
He will love me, and we will grow our family together, forever in love. Because he knows what he has, and he won't ever let it go.

Sometimes, I just don't know how I got so damn lucky.

My first of many to come...

Early this morning, Ed wished me a Happy Mother's Day. And my face lit up, a huge smile covered my face.

I got another Happy Mother's Day text this morning.

I know I can't see you, little girl. I can't hold you, and you are STILL 8 weeks away, but I'm your mommy already. And this being my Very First Mother's Day, I am so happy.

I've wanted to be a Mommy for so long. I've wanted it with all of my heart, spent many nights crying because I couldn't be one.

Now, I am. (Even though she's not here yet, I've been told that it totally counts.)

So, A very happy First Mother's Day is gonna go down over here. We're having Ed's momma come over, for the first time, and WE'RE gonna cook for HER. Crazy, we always go over there. Pusghetti, Cheesy Bread, Spinach dip, AND a wonderful (requested by his momma) Strawberry Shortcake.

Sorry, that was me drooling already.

Then, later this evening, we're gonna go see Iron Man 2. 

Have a wonderful Mother's Day, all of you Moms who are already experts at this, and those First Timers, like me. :-)

AHH!!

My first stretch mark. I has it. I had a stretch... dot last week. But this week, a full-fledged stretch mark has appeared.

I can't believe it's taken this long.

Anyway.. Tomorrow starts week 32.

That means 8 whole weeks until I hit 40 weeks smack dab in the face.

And then watch it pass me by like a child that has to watch the Ice Cream truck NOT stop in their neighborhood.

She's gonna be late. I feel it. And I'm gonna work, right up until I go into labor. Why? Well, cuz I po'. Ridiculously so. Also, because if I take time off work BEFORE she is born, then that'll mean less time for me to take off after she's born.

But, also! 5 more weeks until I'm technically full term. So, just in case I dooo (Ha, HA!) go into labor before July 3rd, it won't be that big of a deal in 5 weeks.

Painting's going to get done this weekend, I swear it. We started it, got the primer and the base coat down. Now it's just getting the stripes right. He tried one method, WHITE/BROWN/PINK, and repeat. But we didn't like it.
What I really have in mind is like, WHITE/BROWN/WHITE/PINK/WHITE, etc. The colors look good though. Even though the brown is a lot darker than I had in mind, it REALLY makes you want some Neapolitan ice cream.



The baby stuff is really coming together. It feels kind of weird, but amazing at the same time.
The stroller, I friggin' love the thing. It's so adorable and easy to use (But it's not like I've given it a few test pushes around the house.)
And the swing OMG the swing. How could I love it any more?! The only thing I'm missing is the Pack 'n Play that my brother's gonna get for me. I think I would like a bouncer, but I don't really need one if I have a swing, right?

Anyway... I need a nap.

Goodnight.

Saying thanks.

To my friend,

Our friendship has blossomed in the past few months, and you have been such a great source of information, you've calmed me down when I didn't know what was going on... You've been there for me.

In light of my recent hormonal freaking out, You're coming over tonight. To eat and talk and commiserate. You recognized my need for someone to talk to, and you were worried. And that speaks volumes about you. About what kind of person you are.

The awesome kind.

Thank you, so much.


To my best friend, my lover, my greatest ally, and the best guy in the whole world,

I was having a really crappy day before I called you. You not only gave me my first smile of the day, but also my first laugh. AT THE SAME TIME. Cause, you're just that good.

I wish I could express to you how deeply I love you. How much you mean to me, and how wonderful you've been during the past 7 months. You've been everything I've needed, and so much more. I could never have asked for a better person to be by my side throughout one of the most exciting and exhilarating, yet trying and exhausting.

Thank you. For loving me. I know I say it all the time, but really. Thank you.


For everyone who thought of my daughter, and gave to a very needy, expecting couple:

THANK YOU. MY DAUGHTER THANKS YOU. Now, she has stuff to go on her bum. And in her mouth. Thanks to those who showed up to the baby shower, and even those who wanted to. Believe me, it meant a lot.

Done.

Oh, god. I'm totally that girl. That blogger girl who only blogs when she has something to complain about.

Ugh. How awful of me.

Yet, here I am again!
I think I'm getting sick.

Why would I think this, you say? (Thank you for indulging me. This post wouldn't have gone very far without that...)
Well, I took the H1N1 vaccine.

What in the hell was I thinking? WAS I thinking? Shit, did I put on deodorant this morning?


Well, strangely enough, the vaccine has made me completely miserable.

If it's possible, in the 24 hours since I took it, I've been more hormonal. I've cried 3 times. Just all out bawl-fests.
Right after they gave it to me, I thought it could just be in my head, but I was really loopy. Like, not thinking straight... I "Shhh'd" my pizza at CiCi's yesterday, instead of blowing on it. And then I proceeded to laugh about it for like 2 minutes afterwards.
And it wasn't even that funny.

And every part of my body hurts. My wrists hurt. My neck hurts. My back, my legs, damn, even my eyeballs hurt.

Oh, and I got in trouble at work this morning. You see, they're telling me that I need to watch my cell phone usage during work. And my internet surfing. (Oops.)

I knew it was coming, but I also got two really emotionally-draining emails last night, which sent me into a whirlwind of emotional downfall. I cried for like a damn hour. Until I fell asleep, no joke.
I cried myself to sleep. Haven't done that since I was a young'n.

I think this week needs to end. I'm done with it. It's been a crappy week, and I want a new one! I also want to throw up my hands and be done with everything right now. I'm just DONE. Don't ask any more of me, cuz I will scream at you, then I will cry. Hysterically.

I'm a mess.

Whore-monal

I wish I could be basking in this weekend.
In how much fun I had, how wonderful it was to see friends and family. To spend time with them. To have them all there supporting me, my boyfriend, and my daugther.
And how loved I felt.

I wish I could be reminiscing on all of that.

Or how great it felt to put her swing together last night.
How great it feels to say that if she were born right now, whenever she got to come home? She would at least have a place to sleep, sheets to lay on, and a swing for us to rock her in. Something I couldn't have said last Friday.


Or I wish I could talk about how great it was to see Ed excited to start painting her room last night. He got all the primer up in about an hour. DAMN, he's good.


Because that's what I want to feel this morning. Happy. Loved. Proud. Excited.


What do I actually feel?

Sad. Heart-broken, a little. Disappointed in myself. Insecure. Unloved.
And the list just goes on...

I know 99% of it is hormones. Stupid hormones making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Oh, and that fight I had with Ed last night didn't help. And the fact that he ran off to go drink while I fell asleep doesn't help. And the e-mail that I got from my dad this morning that made me cry... Yeah, doesn't help EITHER.
Oh, and the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep doesn't help in me dealing with it all.

I can't deal with my hormones on no sleep. I just can't do it. They take over me, and I am subject to them.

And, like I said, the fight that Ed and I had last night... It wasn't an awful fight. Just... things were said that hurt my feelings. And yesterday, it kind of felt like he was kind of distant.
I know so much of it is spurred by the insecurities that I feel whenever I'm 1.) Unbelievably hormonal, and 2.) Tired as hell.


I wish it wasn't so hard....

Positive thoughts...

OH MAH LAWD, I never wanted to be this tired again.
The first trimester ended, and a few weeks later, I was back to my spunky, high-energy self.



Alas, a resurgence of the awful Pregnancy Exhaustion has made me miserable. Only this time? I'm 25 pounds heavier, having awful heartburn (causing me to wake up in the night), I have a huge belly to take into account, and it just ain't easy to sleep any more.

How I loathe being tired.

No, seriously, Pregnancy. It's not my thing. I don't like it, it makes me mean, sometimes bitter, and more often than not, sarcastic as HELL. Can we, uhh... work on that?

But, I'm trying to remain positive. As positive as I can when all I want to do is crawl under my desk and pretend like I'm not at work. And that I can go to sleep if I good and goddamn well please.

A girl can dream...

Happy Thoughts for the day:

• It's Friday!
• Also: Payday!! (Money is already spent. Yay for being poor... Oh damn, that wasn't so positive...)
• My family is in town tonight! 
• For? MY BABY SHOWER tomorrow!
  I'm excited. Unfortunately, My Uncle and Aunt can't be there, because of a close family friend's funeral.
  But my grandmother, my mom, my dad and brother (who will be there later) will all be there. All for my daugther..
• Last night, Ed came home and woke me up. (He's not supposed to wake me up anymore. Maybe if I get really cranky from him waking me up every night and not letting me get enough sleep, he'll stop wanting to wake me up.)
  Anyway, we were lying there, just talking about our nights, mine, completely uneventful from the fact that I was SLEEPING before he got there...
  But he just wrapped up his slow night for me...
  
  He told me how much he loves me. And then asked if he could say hi to our baby girl... I rolled over, and he just sat there talking for a minute. Then he looked up at me. "I love her. I love her so much."
  
  I melted. He's not one to really express his emotions. And this is the first time he's told me how he feels about our daughter.
  
  That? Was an amazing moment.

Here's to an awesome weekend. Providing I can get some damn sleep. (*Shakes fist in air at Pregnancy)

Nothing you confess.. Could make me love you less...

I'll stand by you...
Won't let nobody hurt you...
I'll stand by you...
Take me in, into your darkest hour...
And I'll never desert you... I'll stand by you
I'll Stand By You - Glee

The best is yet to come...

We've been down one bumpy path.
Filled with twists and turns I couldn't have predicted a year ago.
8 months ago, I found the love of my life. 8 months ago, I realized my true love.
8 bumpy, crazy months ago, you became mine, and I became your's. Our hearts intertwined like the roots of a tree, never to know life separate again.

Nearly 7 months ago - from that love, that amazing, life-changing love - another love was created, though we had yet to truly discover it yet.
7 months ago, we created our beautiful baby girl.
7 months ago, a love so true, so pure, so deep and perfect spurred the only thing that could come out of something so beautiful.
And though we've yet to lay eyes on it, I know the truth of that beauty in my heart.

Through the past 7 months, we've had our up's, and we've had our down's.
In the past 7 months, you stood by my side as we listened to our precious baby's heartbeat for the first time.
You held my hand when we first saw her beautiful little silhouette dance across the blurry screen. And we both teared up, hand in hand.
You held me when I cried, and you remained firm in your love for me when hormones made it less than easy.
You were my rock through the more difficult and scary parts of this pregnancy, and my strength when fear of the unknown was too much for me to handle.

You've been so much more than my best friend. So much more than my lover.
You are my soul mate. Never in my life have I been so convinced of anything.
Never have I known anything to be more true.

We've held so many beautiful memories in these past 8 months. Memories that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. Experienced so much in so little a time.
These have been the greatest 8 months of my entire life.

But the little kicking girl in my belly reminds me, there is so much more to walk and experience. Together.
I can guarantee that there will be more bumps. And, knowing us, more unforeseen twists and turns.
But we will walk this path, this wonderful journey, this crazy adventure. Hand in hand. Forever in love.
Because, my dear...
The best is yet to come...

Gotta love them pregnancy dreams

Okay, so last night I had a dream about my baby girl.

I was sleeping pretty hard, as I often do lately because I am just SO. DAMN. TIRED. I wake up every few hours, but in between those few hours? I sleep so hard.
Anyway, so Ed came to bed and woke me up.
And trying to go back to sleep was nothing short of impossible.

(Oh, and when my alarm went off this morning? Layliana started jumping around. NO! It is NOT time to get up yet. That's just the first alarm. Oh well, I get her learned one day)

Anyway, so I was having a dream about her being born. And I pushed her out, and everything was just so hunky-dory. Seeing her face was magical. Holding her was everything I could have imagined and more.

And then we went home, kind of immediately. I remember thinking in my dream, Hmm, that's weird. They're sending us home kind of early. Must be because it was a vaginal birth. 

And Layliana was just soo... Well, the way I described it in my dream was that she was a 'little spitfire'. So ... what's the word? Rebellious. Yes. That's the word.
I remember distinctly blaming her father for that.

But she was beautiful. A beautiful, little, perfect angel.

And then she got smaller. It was weird.
In the beginning of the dream, I was taking her around to see everyone (Even her father, because for whatever reason, he wasn't there to see her be born. More on that later.) Anyway, I was taking her around to see everyone in a regular car seat.

But by the end of the dream? She was in this small, porcelain, heart-shaped box. She was TINY.
I would open up the little jewelry box, stuffed with gift stuffing paper, and her laying on top of all of it.

Ugh. That's actually kind of terrible, and I hated the dream.

Except when I held her, when I looked at her.

It just made it so apparent how much I am going to love her.

Weekend, why hast thou forsaken me?!

Well, this weekend was FLIPPIN' AWESOME.

I want it back. I want to go back, I miss it already.

So, You'll never guess what we did last night. By we, I mean me and Ed.
We slept together. Like, in the same bed. At the same time.

And? It was awesome! I slept really well. Well, as well as I can these days. (There's always too much tossing and turning for my taste. I think the days of sleeping really good are behind me.)

I woke up this morning, and got ready for work. And, I know this is weird, but I think he is totally adorable whenever he's sleeping. He's all snoring, and he just looks so damn comfy in whatever position he's in.

Anyway, point of the story is, he's STILL sleeping. He wanted me to call him at NOON to wake him up.
Boy's been sleeping since 11 last night!!
So unfair. I wish I could sleep that long anymore.

Wow, I am totally rambling today.

Happy Monday, y'all. 

We have an appointment with our Nurse today at the Community Clinic. Wish us luck.

Waiting to exhale...

ANNNNDD... RESULTS ARE:

Well, I don't exactly know yet. I'm pretty sure that everything's alright. My fluid levels, which were at an astoundingly high 32cm, have dropped to 21cm. Which, according to the internet, is well within the normal range.

I have yet to hear a confirmation from my nurse yet, so I'm going to wait to completely breathe my sigh of relief until I do.

But, much like my descent into fear last time, my acsent from it hasn't been sudden. I heard hear say the words, and like a cautious mother, I kept waiting for the bad news to come.
They told me I could leave, without really telling me if that meant I was all better or not, if there was any need to worry still.
As she dismissed us from the room, I kept looking at her, trying to find the words to ask her..
So, am I okay now? Is my baby going to be okay??
I refrained, partially because I knew that the sweet, little nurse-in-training wouldn't know any answers any more than I do.
I swear, they torture us. For fun.

But slowly, the realization that everything is back to normal is sinking in.
My brain is slowly, but surely being convinced that everything is okay. Everything is back to normal. It's okay. No need to suppress your fears any longer.
Nothing is wrong. Not anymore.

And it's only been a week since I found out. In some ways, it flew by. In some ways, it really didn't.
When you're confronted with the idea that something could be wrong with your child, in the manner and situation that I was, there's a small period of denial, then of complete and utter fear.
Then, I realized there was nothing I could do, literally. So, it was just the waiting game.

When this morning rolled around and I realized it was finally the day to find out if I was better or not, I could hardly contain myself. I was just so scared. For me, for her.
For the past week, the idea of an early deliver was always in the back of my mind, as it's at a higher risk when you have Polyhydramnios.

Now, I'm beginning to realize that she might actually stay in there the whole time. And, really, at 30 weeks, 10 more seems like SUCH a big number. Like, 10 is the biggest number there is. Ever. SUCH A LOONG TIME.
But with all the risks of having a child before I'm full term, the possibility that she would have to stay in the hospital even after we can leave, all of this has been floating through my mind. The possible... heartbreaks that our future would hold for some extra amniotic fluid. I would so much rather her stay in there as long as she damn well pleases.
I mean, 10 more weeks, compared to all of the risks and complications and fear that comes from birthing a premature baby?
Yeah... I'll take the 10 weeks.



As of today, there are 71 more days to go. Until I see her perfect little face.




And I am so happy that she really will be perfect.

Everything I do...

Tomorrow is our Ultrasound.
Part of me is excited. I mean, it's finally been a week since I've found out. I thought I'd never make it through this week. At least not without any nervous breakdowns.

In fact, all I've experienced is assurance. Not only from those that love me, friends mainly. But from myself... From her.

I felt her hiccuping yesterday. And, if she had problems swallowing, she wouldn't be hiccuping, right?

I don't know.. Maybe it's just me trying to comfort myself, with no real medical knowledge.

I just know everything's alright. I know she's perfect. I can feel it, in my heart.

The main thing I'm dreading is that if I am diagnosed with Hydramnios, then that could mean post-postpartum hemorrhaging, problems with the placenta, pre-term labor, etc.

I'm nervous for all of those outcomes. I don't really want any of them. I don't want to BLEED. I mean, I've heard I'm already going to anyway. A LOT. I don't want to bleed MORE.


But don't get me wrong, I would take all of them (except maybe the preterm labor) if it means that my little girl is still perfect.

I would take a thousand awful postpartum complications, if it means that she'll be okay.

All I need is that face. (In this picture, she totally has my face shape, have yet to see her face lately though.)

I just need to take a look at that beautiful face, and know why I do it. Why I would go through any of it.
For my little girl.

Never would I leave your side, never would I let a day go without you knowing how deeply you are loved. I could sacrifice anything, just for you. My sweet, baby girl.

I was going to post yesterday about our first child birthing class.

Well, it was a great plan. I sat down to write it, not one. Not two. But THREE times.

Did it ever get done? Naaah.


It went great, by the way. Thanks for asking.

The instructor is this lady who has been involved with child-birth - either through being a nurse, lactation consultant, etc - for her entire career. And she's been teaching child birthing classes for 9 years.

I love her. Her philosophy towards child-birth is my philosophy towards child-birth, I just didn't know how to say it.

She thinks that an epidural is fine during labor/delivery. But she said, and I quote, "I want it to be a tool for labor and delivery. Not your savior from it."

Hell yeah!

Here's my thinking on it:
I am woman. My body has been specifically designed to do this. I want experience the same thing that women have been experiencing for generations before this. I don't want to take drugs to escape that experience.
Now, I want an epidural... eventually. Just not immediately. I want to go through some pain. But when it gets too much for me, I want to know that I have options available to me. Basically, I want to have kids after this. And I don't want this first one to be so bad that I'm running for the hills at any mention of child-birth.

The other thing I was impressed with?
Ed.

He was amazing. He is going to be such a doting coach/partner during the whole thing. I can just tell already.
And while I know he thought the class was boring, he was a good sport about it and didn't fall asleep once. ;-)

Friday, we go back in for another ultrasound to check out my fluid levels.

Please, anyone out there on these vast internets, please keep me and my little girl in your thoughts. I want everything to be alllll better. I want my fluid to be stabilized.

I felt her hiccup today. For possibly the first, maybe the 2nd time. I swear, I wanted to cry.
(One cause of Hydramnios is her having a problem with swallowing. And if you're hiccuping, you're swallowing, right? I was getting worried when I was approaching week 30, and hadn't felt her hiccup.)

So yes, keep us in your thoughts all week. But mainly on Friday... Around 11am.

This too shall pass...

After a really, really, incredibly bad end of the week last week, I surprisingly had an amazing weekend.
I woke up on Saturday morning, refreshed and ready to be positive.

Sure there still are things, scary, questionable things that make me nervous. But my stress is only going to hurt me, my baby, and it was also starting to affect my wonderful boyfriend.
He takes so much away from me, does so much, is so strong for us both. I sincerely do not know what I would do without him, without his unconditional love.

But this weekend... Ooooh... This weekend was exactly what I needed.
I wasn't even sad to see it end, it was just too perfect for it to go on forever.

Saturday, I got my hair cut. Then, we sat around and played video games for most of the day, until he had to go to work. Which... I'll be honest, was AWWWWESOME. I had so much fun! Just having him around, being able to lean over and kiss him whenever I damn well felt like it... It's amazing how much you can take for granted.

Yesterday was my really good, and pregnant, friend Jenny's baby shower. I was excited, and it was awesome seeing her.
It's hard to believe in nearly a month, her sweet little boy will be coming out to greet the world. Who, hopefully, doesn't let us down and actually does have the most nomm-iest cheeks, like his 4-D Ultrasound suggests.

Then, shortly after getting home from that, Ed lets me know that we were invited out for bowling. At first, I was kind of peeved. I'd misunderstood him, and I was annoyed because I finally, FINALLY get to enjoy a Sunday off with my wonderful man-friend, and he's goes off with friends to go out to eat and bowl. What the eff?!?!
Turns out, I was invited too. (I was pretty much going, either freakin' way. Hah..)

And we had soooo much fun. Zoh. Mah. Googles. They got to play 'Lazer' tag, and bowl. I just sat back, and enjoyed watching everyone else make fool out of themselves. But I had a LOT of fun.
And Ed got to take advantage, yet again, of his guaranteed sober driver. :-) (For at least a few more months!)
Oh well, He's so good to me, I'm just happy when I can give back to him.

As it turns out, I'm quite the fan of him.

And, I'm pretty sure he's pretty fond of me as well. Don't think he'll be kicking me to the curb any time soon. :-)

Two weeks from this weekend marks my baby shower. This is exciting. I have had so many people that want to come out and support me, and our precious soon-to-be daughter.

Oh, by the way. It's April 19th. (Happy Birthday, yesterday, Dad!)

And a while ago, I wondered aloud as I surveyed the deadened grass and trees over a wintery Northwest Arkansas valley. I see this valley every day, and I pondered what it would be like to look at it months from now, and see it all green, and know that my little girl was so much closer.

Of course, it's only April, but it's totally green. (I didn't take a before, cuz who the hell thinks about that?!)

Anyway, it has been months since I've pondered this, and I only have 2 1/2 months left in my pregnancy.
It's very scary. And this only serves as a reminder every day, that her arrival is ever imminent.

That green enough for ya? Eeek. Scary!

Pretty soon, it'll be so hot outside that I'll be wishing I could jump in a pool. And THEN? It's another month 'til she's here.
I need all the time I can get, at this point. We still have to get her nursery set up, get her crib built, etc, etc. But, really? I am just so ready to hold her, to kiss her. Hell, even just to meet her.

Ahh... What a day that will be...

The good side of bad...

I'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter... That I'm actually not missing out on anything. That everything will be fine, that I'm getting the same care that I would anywhere else, even if I did have insurance/money.

It's just disappointing.

I got some bad news this morning. The Clinic that I've been going to? The one for poor people who go there when they don't have money and are waiting on Medicaid and to be transferred out?

And nobody stays there 'til they are full term? Yeah. That one?

They will be seeing ME until I'm full term.

The Women's Health Clinic that I was going to go to actually 'made a mistake', and that appointment that I thought I had, I didn't, and when they tried to reschedule it, it wouldn't be for another 6 weeks, and OF COURSE I would be too far along by then to start seeing a BRAND NEW doctor.

What does that mean? Community Clinic for me until my precious little girl is born.

Oh, and that a stranger, whom I've never met, will be delivering my baby.

It took me an hour after hearing this news to calm down and realize that it's really not as bad as I think it is. And to not cry whenever I thought about it.

It just doesn't seem fair. I want the best for my little girl, for this pregnancy, and here we are, having to struggle so much because we simply do not have $10,000 to give birth to a baby!

It's very frustrating, to say the least. The stigma that's placed on women with Medicaid isn't right. We get treated differently, and I would almost be willing to bet that's what happened here.
Sometimes, Life just isn't fair.

And the moment I hold that precious little baby girl in my arms? I know the last thing from my mind will be how we got here, to this moment. (Or really anything other than that little bundle of amazing-ness)

And... Thank the UNIVERSE for Ed.
I called him after I got off the phone, and I was just bawling. Uncontrollably. (I mean, c'mon! I'm 7 months pregnant, and you just gave me bad news! What am I SUPPOSED to do?! Laugh it off. Act Rationally?! HA!)

He talked me through it. He assured me that it wasn't somehow my fault. He listened. He sat there while I just bawled into the phone. He was amazing.
I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

After this is all said and done? And he and I reach the other side of this hormonal roller coaster that we've been on for 6 months now?
He totally deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something. GIVE THE MAN A METAL!

And when I really sat here and thought about it, it's not that bad. I LOVE my nurse practitioner at the Community Clinic. I don't really feel cheated at all by my experience there, have never felt that I've received less than amazing care from them.
And? When I came back in and told the news to my boss, and she heard who my doctor was going to be? She told me this awful story about him, how one of her friends had an AWFUL experience with him, and had to 'fire' him, and find a new OB/GYN.
I don't want that. That's precisely what I was afraid of when they were gonna transfer me out.
I know there's a reason behind it all, and I'm probably just not able to see it yet.

In better news? I get to see my baby girl tomorrow. We have an ultrasound scheduled, to make sure they can see her heart.
I'm not going to stress about that. I choose not to.
I choose to revel in the fact that tomorrow at this time, I'll be looking at my baby girl again.

Little girl? Know that you are worth this, and so much more. I love you, so completely.

You are cordially invited...

I got the invites officially filled out today. It took (what SEEMED) like forever.

BUT! Lo, there was an end!


And, somehow, her arrival is seeming incredibly close!

I really like them. Thanks to Ed's mom, she totally found the PERFECT invite for me. And we both had to work so hard to get them to come out right! (Wouldn't ya know it... Printer problems. Ugh.)

But they go out tomorrow, and I am one happy preggo! Hell, my shower is in 2 1/2 weeks!

Scary dreams and cold mornings...

Last night, I woke up out of a deep sleep.
I'd been having probably the most scary, and longest, nightmare of my entire life.
Filled with graphic violence, people chasing me, rapists, murderers, monsters. The whole nightmare she-bang.

I woke up was too scared to even look around the room. I managed to get my phone, and call Ed, since he was still at work.

I sent him 2 texts and called him. No answer.
I braved it, and went to pee. Facing my fears didn't make me any less scared.
Neither did leaving the bathroom light on.

Every terrible scenario was going through my head. I needed my boyfriend. And I needed him quick.

By the time he got home, I'd managed to fall asleep facing the TV. That way, whenever I opened up my eyes, I could see if there was someone in front of me and behind me (by the reflection in the T.V.)

It was such an awful feeling. And I couldn't shake it. I just felt like something awful had happened.
The second Ed and I laid down after he got home, I was instantly able to fall asleep.

It's so nice having a big, strong man to snuggle up against. Even if it is for only a couple of hours.

Preggo dreams? Can seem SOO real.

You're too cute...

Update:

This little girl? The one that is ever so steadily getting bigger and making time SPEED up until her arrival?

I friggin' love her.

This morning, we played a game. A game called, "Look! Mommy can do that too!"

She was going NUTZO in my belly. Just WEE! Over here, and then a WEE!!! Over there... WEE!'ing all over the place.

So, I poked her. No hard or anything, just to the point that I think she could feel me. And I did it repeatedly.

Poke. Poke Poke. Poke pokepokepoke.
And then I would giggle to myself, because messing with your daughter? TOTALLY fun. Just sayin'.

Then I starting a song thing to the pokes.
"Imma poke you over here, now!"
Poke. Poke. Pokepokepokepoke.
"Now, Imma poke you over .... HERE, now!"
Poke. Poke poke pokepokepokepoke.
(Snickering to self.)

It was surprisingly fun. And even more surprising?

She actually has quieted down. (But now that I say that, she's gonna do that thing where she purposefully does the opposite of what I said she was doing, making me look like a complete fool. Oh well, suppose I should get used to it. Hehe.)

Hi, I'm Complainy McComplainer-pants. Nice to meet you.

Or, you can also call me, Hacky McCougher-son.
I mean, my boyfriend does.

I r sick. I don't feel well. My face hurts. My eyes hurt. My nose is runny, and I think I've got enough mucus in my respiratory system to power China for YEARS. (Talk about alternative fuel!)

I know this is the last leg of the Evil Illness that has plagued me for DAYS now, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

In other, non-complaining news:
I have a confession. Yesterday/This morning, I got a little scared.

See, in preparation for moving our tons o' crap, we had to bomb our old apartment for (Ewwwww!) roaches, in order to not take them with us. (If our landlord had just sprayed, ya know.. EVER, this wouldn't be such a HUGE hassle for us. Anyway, I digress..)

So, we set off a fumigator. Scratch that. We set off TWO fumigators that should have been able to cover 14,000 square feet. In our 500 square feet apartment.
Now, I'm no mathematician, but that's uhh, I dunno... a PRETTY EFFING GOOD ratio there.
In our minds, it was a done deal. Spray, let it set for a few hours. Voila. No. More. DAMN. Bugs.

Upon return to the apartment from HELL, it was quickly discovered that not only had the two fumigators not killed all the bugs, it hadn't killed ANY.
They were walking around. Flippin' us the bird as they were crawling around, as if to say, "PshAAHH. Ya cain't git rid of us, vatos."

Well, since the roaches survived, and after letting the apartment air out for a good 20-30 minutes, I waltzed back inside. Thinking that if it didn't even harm the roaches, it surely can't hurt me or the baby too bad.
I mean, I was careful. I made sure to get some air every 5-10 minutes, and if I was feeling dizzy, I'd go outside until I felt better.
Well, it wasn't until around 11pm last night that I realized that my little, precious, baby girl (whom I am so careful for that I don't even touch alcohol, even when they tell me I can have a glass of wine) hadn't moved since we'd returned back to the house.

Oh... What a great feeling, lemme tell YOU!

I never freaked out, but I did mention it to Ed.

Something along the lines of, Uhh.. Babe? You don't think....
He said nah. That by the time I really spent any time in there, there wasn't any poison left anyway. And if I did inhale anything, it was probably only enough to make her 'docile' (Ahh! My baby girl, docile because of some roaches)

And it's not like I wasn't feeling her at all. She was just a LOT quieter than she normally is.
And it extended to this morning. She was definitely still kicking and twitching and rolling around, just not as much.

I can't explain it, but I knew everything was alright... Just, being a first time mom, this little girl is my life. And I just wanted to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was okay.
And she can't tell me, "Yeah, Mom. Geez. Take a chill pill."
So, I was worried.

Well, Let me tell you, that this little girl LOVES to prove me wrong. Last night, while in mid-conversation about her lack of moving, she went and moved.
And right now? She hasn't stopped moving since I started typing this post.

'Cause she's 'cute' like that.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives

Waking up next to him, still the greatest feeling ever.
Waking up next to him for the last time in this crappy, roach-infested apartment?
Might actually be better.

We have a huge day ahead of us. Tomorrow, I'm going to HAAATE going to work, seeing as how I'll probably be worn out from head to toe.

Weird pregnancy thing that happened yesterday?
Our current 'roommate' had his baby over yesterday. I've held him while he fell asleep before, no big deal. So, I was doing this yesterday, and the boob that was closest to his head started leaking colostrum. Normally it does it while I sleep, or random times during the day. This is the first time that I could tell that it was because of someTHING.
It was a weird feeling, first because my boob was reacting to the fact that there was a little one around. It was like, "COOL. I get to try out this new thing I learned!"
But, Sadly, I was like, "No! Bad boob! This ain't mine! Fall Back! RETREAT!"
So, boob got mad at me, and is now INCREDIBLY sore.
Now, I wish my kid was here just to 'drink' from it and make it STOP HURTING SO DAMN BAD!
I mean, it's painful. Incredibly so.

It also showed me something else. I can't WAIT to nurse my baby girl. Have her resting against my chest, watching her fall asleep in my arms. I cannot freaking wait. I really hope everything goes right, but if yesterday was any indication? My boobs are totally ready for this.

Today, as I've stated before, we start the moving process. Which will help the feeling that we're completely unprepared for her ever-nearing arrival.
Which means, soon? I can start GETTING HER NURSERY READY.
Eee! I'm so excited!

Happy Easter. Today, we're going over to Nini's house for Easter dinner. It's been a while since she's seen me, and I know I'm a lot bigger than I was last time. :-)

Aaand, another (week) one bites the dust.

Sometimes I just want to peek inside of my belly and find out exactly what it is that she's doing in there.


What in the? Is she trying to get her foot in her mouth?
Is she purposefully tap dancing on my ribs?
Why does it feel like her head is all of the sudden up here instead of down there, where it was 5 minutes ago.
Woah, that felt like a cell phone going off in my uterus. What the --?

And then I just stop asking. Because it ain't like she's gonna tell me. She's stubborn like that. (Already taking after her daddy a little too much for my comfort. Hehe.)

But I always feel so happy to feel her. There are a lot of women out there who can't feel this, who can never feel this. The sensations and emotions that encompass carrying your own child. One that you love with every inch of your heart.

And I know how lucky I am... She doesn't even know it yet, but she's changed my life. Hell, she's changed me. I no longer think like the single female that I was a year ago. I am a mommy. And I have a baby and husband to think about.
All because two people fell in love, and created an amazing little girl.
She's changed a lot of people's lives.
She doesn't know how many people already think she's just the freaking greatest thing ever. Even better than sliced bread. She has no clue how many people love her so much already, how many people are willing to do anything for this little being that's currently residing in my stomach.

And she's made me the luckiest girl in the whole world...

And in 3 months, there will be a little girl officially come into our lives. Ed and I will learn and cope and our relationship will change so much
And in some ways, that's terrifying. I think the real, actual reality is hitting, and I can some-what see what's going to happen.
And, It's downright scary sometimes. But?

It's also the single most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. And I get to do it with my best friend, Ed. We get to enter, together, the greatest experience life has to offer, being the strength for each other. Growing and loving, together.

So, Week twenty-seven? Yeah. I'm ready for you. 

From my head down to my toes.

So, there are a few things I want to write about today.

My week 26 summary. How my day went, how beautiful the weather is. Hell, even April Fool's.

But alas, I feel like poo. I think the problem is I'm tired. And that I might be coming down with something. Or the fact that I'm pregnant, and every thing hurts worse when pregnant. (I can't even run anymore.)

Today I had lunch with two girls that mean so much to me. I didn't realize how much I missed them until we sat down for lunch and started gabbing.

They really are awesome. And exactly what I need right now.

There will be a better update tomorrow. Possibly with some baby talk. I dunno... I can't even think straight right now.

Here's to not getting sick...

April Fools us all

Well, Tomorrow is April.


I think I've been working off the assumption that time would stop until I felt comfortable enough to allow it to progress.
This is not the case.

Tomorrow, April begins. And On Saturday, our sweet baby girl will officially be here in THREE MONTHS.

And if you're doing your math, on Sunday, that means that the countdown to Layliana Audrea Rugg will look something like, "2 months, 29 days"

NO. No No No No No nononono... NO. HAAAIIILLL NAW.

About a month-- Nah, who am I kidding? I have no grasp of time anymore -- A while ago, I wrote about how I could look out over the valley that our office overlooks, and everything was dead. No color in the sky, no green in the grass, everything was waiting for beautiful weather and spring.

Umm... Well? The grass is a beautiful, perfect shade of green right now. The bushes are starting to sprout have sprouted leaves. And the weather? Well, despite being a wee bit windy, is definitely beautiful and perfect. When did this all happen? I thought it was still February something. That's when I told time to stop, And it didn't, and WHAT THE HELL.

I am going to write a letter to my congress-people. This is an OUTRAGE!

But, there is good news in the horizon of ever progressing dates and the ever-diminishing amount of time until I have a FREKIGNASING Baby: Tomorrow, they're supposedly going to start the revamping of our new house. Meaning we are thatmuch closer to being able to move in. And to when I can start the nesting phase that I am OH SO ready to start.

Which also means, moving. Which is decidedly less exciting than NURSERY. WITH PINKS AND FLUFF-LES AND CUTENESS.

But, today? Even the thought of moving sometime really soon couldn't get me down.

I got so much sleep last night. And it felt OH-SO-GOOD. I woke up in the best mood. (Which is nice, since I have been a horrible person for the better portion of 5 days now.)
And then I walked outside, and that didn't help, cuz it's just so damn beautiful outside. What, with the perfect freaking weather, and all.

And this VIEW. I'm telling you, it's awesome. To have that as the back-drop to work. I mean, damn. I don't have this good of a view AT HOME.

This weather, coupled with my insatiably good mood, has me all excited to start exercising. Nothing too strenuous, just walking everyday. The last Prenatal appointment has me all self-conscious about my weight. And I know I shouldn't be, the fact that I'm growing a human being should be enough to kick that, "I'M SO FAT" pregnancy mentality. Alas, it isn't.

I've trimmed down the amount of snacks I eat a day. I will eat 3-4 meals, and then a snack in between them. Usually... Yesterday, I had a handful of almonds and a cereal bar after lunch. (Before, I was eating A LOT. A lot of snacks too. Unhealthy ones, at that. Little Debbies, and sugary snacks out the WAZOO.)

I'm hoping that will be enough to tone down my weight gain. And I won't have to stop eating those things I love so much. Like desserts. And pasta. And macaroni and cheese.
Cuz then? It just wouldn't be worth it to go on.

I rock! (What? Too cheesy??)

Every night, at least since I've gotten my new job, Ed comes home. Ed wakes me up. Depending on how much sleep I've gotten and how tired I am, we spend anywhere from a few minutes to an hour or so talking and loving and generally enjoying each other's company.

The night before last, as I stated in my last post, he came home, and Boy! She started going crazy! I didn't know it was because of him at first, I thought it could have been for any number of reasons. Me moving, us making noise, anything.
And then he left the room, and I moved around and tried to get comfy again. She quieted down. I sat up, played and talked with the cat a minute, and nothing.

So, I finally got up and went into the study where Ed was and told him... Your daughter? Just totally jumped for joy when you came home. She loves you.

Well, last night, we were spending time together, and she woke up. Again, I can never tell for what reason she wakes up, but never-the-less. We were in bed, falling asleep (back asleep, for me) and she was kicking like it was time to wake up.
I was sleepy, I wasn't ready to get up, or more importantly, to stop cuddling, so I devised a plan.

I started rocking my leg back and forth. Ed does this to fall sleep after he's been woken up, and surprisingly, it's really relaxing and sends both of us back to sleep.

I did this, and she stopped. So, I stopped.

Haha! New mom mistake. She was back to kicking and squirming within seconds.

So, I tried it again. This time for longer. When one leg gave out, I rocked the other one.

And whaddya know? She fell back asleep! And has been that way ever since.

That was a really cool feeling. To have an effect like that on my child who isn't even born yet!

I rocked my baby back to sleep for the first time! (And myself. Hehe. And I slept gooood, too!)

So much in love...

I am flooded with good and warm thoughts this morning...

I am so completely lucky. And so completely in love...

This girl... This beautiful girl who has my heart already in her teeny little hand.

This beautiful, amazing girl who kicks me when I'm hungry, who jumped around last night when daddy finally came home. Who already loves her daddy so, so much.
Who makes can make me laugh already. She tickles my ribs, and even reminds me to pee sometimes.

This little girl who dances in my belly whenever music is played.

She's is already so much a huge joy in my life... Already a source of happiness and love.

I dream about her almost every night. I dream happy dreams, about when she's here. About staring into her eyes as she stares into mine as she's eating.

We've got such a journey ahead of us. Complete with bodily fluids being spewed, and having to laundry once a day. Complete with kisses and snuggles and pure, unsurpassed love.

Then there is her daddy...
My one and only. The love of my life...

He has been so much to me. He's my strength when I have none. He's my comfort when I need it. He gives the best hugs and cuddles, and is the sexiest man alive.
And, to make it better, he loves me Oh, so much. We have a mutual understanding that what we have? There is nothing better.

He's the other side of my coin. He makes me make sense. He calms me down when I get too irrational. He makes me laugh when I'm crying, and loves to see me smile.

I love waking up next to him, I love carrying his child. I love the family we're about to have.

I love him. With every fiber of my being. With everything that I am, I love him.


I know this was ewwie and gooey. I realize that. But when you're as lucky as I am? You don't pass up a chance to grab it and cherish it for all that it is. Knowing that you'll never let it go...

Week 25 Prenatal appointment - The one in which I got called fat.

Yesterday was the glucose screening test for Layliana and I.

We got through it alright. The not eating for so long, and then the buttload of sugar pumped into my system at once gave me a splitting headache. And once I got to a certain stage of hunger, she stopped kicking for a while. She was hungry too.
But, overall, was definitely not as bad as I expected. The waiting the entire hour was the worst.

My iron's looking good, and I'm measuring on the bigger side of normal. Not big enough to be considered big, still completely normal here. (Say, I'm 25 weeks along, therefore am supposed to measure 23cm-27cm, I am measuring 27.)

I have one more appointment with my nurse practitioner that I've been seeing this entire time. One more.

This is very sad for me. She is a sweetheart, and I have really grown to like her.

I'm really sad I'm going to have to switch to another doctor. A MALE doctor. *GASP*

Doctor P-something-I-can't-remember at Mercy.

To be honest, this makes me nervous! I've never had a male doctor. Ed seems just fine with it, and I have friends that tell me that everything is going to be alright, but maaan. I'm just nervous.

I'm going to see this man just as much as I ever saw Hope, due to the fact that I'll be seeing him more often. I hope he's good. I hope he's not mean. I hope I like him and I trust him with my baby.

I gained 8 pounds since my last check up. That's more than 2 lbs a week. Making my total weight gain so far 20 lbs. (I really think it's more like 18, but whatever. I won't split hairs with my doctor.)

This was shocking to me, in that seeing that huge number that's never graced a scale that I have ever stepped on was utterly shocking. Just... Wow. Holy Crap. I weigh a lot. Granted, I'm growing a baby, but DAMN.

It was also not-so-shocking. Let's just say I've cut out donuts from my morning ritual.
(They were starting to know my name! And which days to expect me!) I'm going to be indulging in more healthy options, and not so cheesy ones.
Which is a pretty weird feeling. I've always been able to eat however I feel like, now I have to watch what I eat?


Anyway...
The countdown is dwindling down ever so slightly. 102 days left.

In about a week and a half, we'll be sitting at 3 months 'til her debut. I will call it her 'Debut', because I have a feeling that this little girl inside of me is going to make one hell of an appearance.

(Momma loves you, little girl. Oh, so much.)

Glucose Torture Test

Today. Ahh...

Today is going to be a day among days.

You know how I will know if my boyfriend really wants to spend the rest of his life with me? If, by the end of the day, he and I still 1.) Live in the same house. 2.) Love each other just as unconditionally as we do right now. And 3.) Actually survive the remainder of the day.

It's going to be difficult.

He stayed up all night, which wasn't too much of a stretch for him, just so he could make me breakfast.

And then, at lunch, before he's able to get a full 8 hours, I have to go home and wake him up again.

He's a trooper. Seriously.

Did I mention how amazing that man is?

But it's not going to be difficult because of his level of exhaustion.

It's allll going to be me.

First, I got 5 hours of sleep last night.

And I get cranky when I'm tired. Especially being preggo.


Oh, and did I mention that I have a Glucose Screening Test today. They said I could eat a breakfast with little to no sugar this morning, but that I shouldn't eat afterwards.

And, yes... You guess it. I get cranky when I'm hungry too.

Gah, I'm going to be a raving, horrible bitch for a while.

And this is all from my doctor.

They hate pregnant women, don't they?