Whore-monal

I wish I could be basking in this weekend.
In how much fun I had, how wonderful it was to see friends and family. To spend time with them. To have them all there supporting me, my boyfriend, and my daugther.
And how loved I felt.

I wish I could be reminiscing on all of that.

Or how great it felt to put her swing together last night.
How great it feels to say that if she were born right now, whenever she got to come home? She would at least have a place to sleep, sheets to lay on, and a swing for us to rock her in. Something I couldn't have said last Friday.


Or I wish I could talk about how great it was to see Ed excited to start painting her room last night. He got all the primer up in about an hour. DAMN, he's good.


Because that's what I want to feel this morning. Happy. Loved. Proud. Excited.


What do I actually feel?

Sad. Heart-broken, a little. Disappointed in myself. Insecure. Unloved.
And the list just goes on...

I know 99% of it is hormones. Stupid hormones making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Oh, and that fight I had with Ed last night didn't help. And the fact that he ran off to go drink while I fell asleep doesn't help. And the e-mail that I got from my dad this morning that made me cry... Yeah, doesn't help EITHER.
Oh, and the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep doesn't help in me dealing with it all.

I can't deal with my hormones on no sleep. I just can't do it. They take over me, and I am subject to them.

And, like I said, the fight that Ed and I had last night... It wasn't an awful fight. Just... things were said that hurt my feelings. And yesterday, it kind of felt like he was kind of distant.
I know so much of it is spurred by the insecurities that I feel whenever I'm 1.) Unbelievably hormonal, and 2.) Tired as hell.


I wish it wasn't so hard....