No baby.

Just sayin'...

There's no baby here.

I'm beginning to think she's settled in for a long winter's nap. Or that she's actually not a baby at all, and just a growth that people have failed to diagnose correctly. A growth that started 9 months ago.

Done.

Did I mention that part? SO. DONE.

Someone like you...

As last summer's end approached, temperatures were dropping and so was my ability to tolerate the pain that I had been voluntarily subjecting myself to since spring.
Someone was hurting me, on a near constant basis.
This song played, and it was like a call to the universe. I could use somebody. I'm ready now... I'm ready. I'm ready now. Somebody...

And I suppose I opened my eyes, because there he was.  Beautiful. Sweet. Thoughtful. Amazing. Brilliant.

And while it took me longer than it should have to finally realize the scope of my feelings for him, this song always made me think of him. Driving on my way home, the sun setting off in the distance in front of me. The wind blowing in my hair. And thoughts of him involuntarily running through my head.

He stole my heart, that summer. The long nights, and long talks. I was a goner from the beginning. As soon my heart was ready, he was ready for me.

And every time I hear that song now... It brings me back to the summer sun and the breeze in my hair, and the feelings that were stirring inside of me. That has now opened up into the most amazing relationship I've ever been in. Not without its struggles, but the struggles aren't what make us. It's how we get through them, with work and more love than I could have imagined.

I love you, ECR. More than words could ever hope to express.
And for the rest of my life, I will love you.

Lesson for today: Never tempt the universe.

When my dad was visiting yesterday, he asked how I was feeling.
My response? "Not that bad, actually. Not as bad as I thought I would by this point."

And then what does my body do? Makes me look like a lying liar. All the while, making me suffer unbelievable amounts.


Today has been awful. AWFUL. This morning, I woke up feeling just fine. Rested, which is actually a surprise for a Monday.
Then? I went and got PENCIL LEAD stuck in my foot, like a splinter. Which took 45 minutes of gouging in my foot to remove.
Then, after the pencil lead was removed... My nose started bleeding. Profusely.

On the way to work, Ed was driving me since he had a road trip to (and from) Little Rock today, and I actually had the nerve to say, "I think I should call in today. Whaddya think?"
His response was a normal Ed response. "No. You'll learn something with me, I don't like it when people shirk their responsibilities, so I won't ever let you do it. BLAHBLAHBLAH."

Truth is, I was feeling a bit... Off. Not good, for sure. It was hard to catch my breath, but not in the normal 'Oh-Theres-A-Baby-where-my-lungs-once-were' kind of way. It was more of a light-headed, I think I'm gonna pass out sorta way.

And then with the Braxton Hicks contractions, plus he was gonna be gone all day, leaving me without a way to go home should I need to.

Sure enough, come lunch. I ate. 30 minutes later, I got nauseous. And, I don't throw up. Only when I absolutely cannot avoid it any longer OMFG, IHATETHROWINGUP.
It's a mental block thing. Probably completely unhealthy. Meh...

I have been on the verge of throwing up all day long. And guess what totally helps??
BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS.

Man. There have been a butt-load of them today. And last night. And geez-us. I am Done with this.

But for now? I will cuddle with my man, and get some rest.

When I dream a perfect dream, you are in it, my love.

This morning, shortly before being awoken by a rude fly trying to kiss me. Repeatedly... I had a dream.

This dream was so beautiful, so perfect. Layliana was in it. In all of her newborn glory.

I gave birth to her. It was a normal labor and delivery, as normal as I can remember. I remember she came out, and they took her away from me. I had to go out and find her and yell at them to bring her back. Which was actually kind of difficult, since I'd just given birth and wasn't really feeling 100% yet.

By the time I got her back, she was so hungry. She was more than ready to breastfeed, and so I did. I remember in my dream, I had to replace my nipple once it was in her mouth. (My friend told me, Shove the whole thing in there!) And so I did, and it didn't hurt hardly at all, and it was just such a beautiful feeling, to nurse my child. My baby. My daughter.

I am already so much in love with her, I am ready to meet her.

Dear Baby Girl,

Hey there, sweet daughter o' mine...
You little rascal...
You little munchkin who pummels me every chance.
My sweet, baby girl whom I love so, so very much.

Just a thought... Just a quick idea I'd thought I'd run by you... See what you think of it. If you don't like it, you can throw it right back to me.

Would you mind it so much if you decided to go head-down, like YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BY NOW??

The thing is, the doctor's don't like it when you stay head-up. They won't let me push you out of me, and they'll instead gut me like a fish in order to get you out of me.
And there's just all sorts of complications from that? And I don't really want to be gutted like a fish?
Though, anything to keep you healthy, of course.

I was just thinkin'... if you don't have a problem with that, that it would really work out for both of us.

Love Always. And Forever.

Mommy