Friday. Again. G**damnit.

Happy:

• Cuz it's Friday.
• I had a sleep over last night, and it was fun. I passed out later than I usually do, but still at an unbelievably early hour. My 19 year old self would be ashamed.
• Tomorrow marks my weekend. 
• Last Sunday was filled with obligations on both mine and Ed's parts. We spent time together, technically, but didn't really get the time that we needed to make it another week without REALLY missing each other. And then, The Hell that was Monday happened, and he went to spend the night AND OMGZ.
  This Sunday? He promised would be allll for me.
  And I'm taking it. That's right! I am being selfish with mah man this Sunday, and keeping him all to myself.

Not Happy:

• This weekend is reserved for ME and ME ALONE (While Ed's not awake or home). For? Cleaning. That's right. I will not let myself sleep the weekend away like I do *every* weekend.
• This is the last day that my boss won't be at work. Part of me is happy about this, as some stresses will go down. But part of being her assistant means that her stresses become mine anyway, and those? Will go up. Yippee.
• WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN MY THANK YOU CARDS YET?! Whoops.

Seriously, every week, I reach Friday, and I am partially astonished that another week has gone by, HOW DARE IT?! I am not a week closer to my due date. And now that we're in the last 2 months, time just seems to be ticking down. Almost like I can hear it every second of every day.
And, then again, on Friday, I welcome it with open, exhausted arms. Every week seems to be longer than the preceding one. Every week is physically more taxing on me. Every week, I say, "If it wasn't Friday, I'd be flipping this week off and saying, 'Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Every week.

I don't know why Friday is such a huge issue for me. Perhaps because every Saturday means I'm another week along.

Also, What the EFF, May? You can't SERIOUSLY be SERIOUS about ending. Because, you're like what? 10 days away from quitting? SCREW YOU, MAY. I'm not talking to you anymore.

That's when I, I look at you...

I know it's cheesy, but I needed this on this dreary morning.

Miley Cyrus - When I look at you

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

 I love you, Ed. You are my light that reaches me when nothing else will. You are my strength when I feel like I am at the bottom of a hole and can't see a way out, and am too tired from digging myself there. You love me, in spite of all of my short-comings. You hold me, and I feel safe again. You kiss me, and I am flooded with all the love I have for you.


Layliana, I wish there were words to describe how much I love you. You make me want to be better, a better momma, a better role model for you. I love you, little girl. You are slowly, but surely becoming my world. I would break down walls for you, I would fight the whole world for you.
When I think I have nothing left, I think about you inside of me, and it gives me the strength, the knowledge that I have something to fight for now.

Focus on the good.

No. I will not focus on last night. On the fact that I spent 5 hours in a place where no 7 1/2 month pregnant chick should be.
I will not focus on the fact that if I had been there any longer, I might have actually gone into labor.

I will not focus on the fact that I slept alone last night, or the fact that I got frustrated with my cat, and kicked him out of the house to go play. And when he didn't come back by the time I went to bed, I just forgot about him. And when he did show back up this morning, he had a huge gash on his face.

I will not focus on how that makes me a bad mom. Or how, if I can't even take care of my cat, in the hell is someone going to entrust me with the safety of a newborn?!

I will instead focus on how when I did leave the hellish place, the one person I wanted was Ed. His face, his embrace. His kisses. Everything was what I needed at that moment. I finally felt safe again.
Even though he did leave to spend the night (It was a party that they'd been planning for a couple of weeks. I couldn't tear him away from it because I didn't want to be alone. I'm not 5. I'm about to have a baby, and I need to grow up and be more independent.)

I'm going to focus on the text I got from him last night, the one where he said he misses me? And wishes I was there? The one that jolted me out of a dream about aforementioned 'hellish place', and put a smile on my face. A text that after receiving, I was sent back into dreamland with positive, loving thoughts. Because of a text from the right person.

The right person. And he so is. The right one for me. The man who wants to fight for me. Who gets scared for me, who loves me with all of himself.

I will also choose to focus on the beautiful day outside.
The sun shining brightly.
The birds that are singing right outside my window as I work.
And my daughter.
Who is now head down, again. (Though, not to jinx anything here..)
Who is my motivation. When I was in said hellish place, one thought kept running through my head. And from that one thought, I found more strength than I ever knew I had. "Be strong... Be strong for her."

I haven't completely repaired physically from the little jaunt into 'hellish place'. My back is still in enormous amounts of pain, and I'm having more contractions that I'm comfortable with.
But I'm out. I'm here. With the freedom to choose to focus on the beautiful things.
With the the choice to be strong, for my daugther.
With the ability to love a man who is more beautiful than all the stars in a midnight sky.

Because, though I mess up. I stumble, I fall. I get tripped by bullshit in life,
I am still a strong woman, as long as I make the right choices.

Write what you know..

This is what I know...

Sometimes I think that I got too lucky.
That the man that's currently asleep in my bed? Is too much. That I hit a jackpot, and I wasn't even going for the gold.

He's going to be an amazing partner, the perfect support for when I eventually push this little girl out.

He's going to fall in love with her the moment he sets his eyes on her. And he's going to love her with everything that he has in him.

He's going to raise her right, believing that hard work, and doing the right thing are how you live. Not always how you get ahead, but you don't compromise yourself to do that.
And if you're asked to compromise yourself and your beliefs to succeed? It isn't worth it.

He's going to give her everything he can.

And that man? Who I got lucky enough to be with me, to love me, to choose me... Will love me for the rest of his life.
He will kiss me when I'm 30 pounds heavier, insisting that I am just as beautiful as I was before.
He will love me, and we will grow our family together, forever in love. Because he knows what he has, and he won't ever let it go.

Sometimes, I just don't know how I got so damn lucky.

My first of many to come...

Early this morning, Ed wished me a Happy Mother's Day. And my face lit up, a huge smile covered my face.

I got another Happy Mother's Day text this morning.

I know I can't see you, little girl. I can't hold you, and you are STILL 8 weeks away, but I'm your mommy already. And this being my Very First Mother's Day, I am so happy.

I've wanted to be a Mommy for so long. I've wanted it with all of my heart, spent many nights crying because I couldn't be one.

Now, I am. (Even though she's not here yet, I've been told that it totally counts.)

So, A very happy First Mother's Day is gonna go down over here. We're having Ed's momma come over, for the first time, and WE'RE gonna cook for HER. Crazy, we always go over there. Pusghetti, Cheesy Bread, Spinach dip, AND a wonderful (requested by his momma) Strawberry Shortcake.

Sorry, that was me drooling already.

Then, later this evening, we're gonna go see Iron Man 2. 

Have a wonderful Mother's Day, all of you Moms who are already experts at this, and those First Timers, like me. :-)

AHH!!

My first stretch mark. I has it. I had a stretch... dot last week. But this week, a full-fledged stretch mark has appeared.

I can't believe it's taken this long.

Anyway.. Tomorrow starts week 32.

That means 8 whole weeks until I hit 40 weeks smack dab in the face.

And then watch it pass me by like a child that has to watch the Ice Cream truck NOT stop in their neighborhood.

She's gonna be late. I feel it. And I'm gonna work, right up until I go into labor. Why? Well, cuz I po'. Ridiculously so. Also, because if I take time off work BEFORE she is born, then that'll mean less time for me to take off after she's born.

But, also! 5 more weeks until I'm technically full term. So, just in case I dooo (Ha, HA!) go into labor before July 3rd, it won't be that big of a deal in 5 weeks.

Painting's going to get done this weekend, I swear it. We started it, got the primer and the base coat down. Now it's just getting the stripes right. He tried one method, WHITE/BROWN/PINK, and repeat. But we didn't like it.
What I really have in mind is like, WHITE/BROWN/WHITE/PINK/WHITE, etc. The colors look good though. Even though the brown is a lot darker than I had in mind, it REALLY makes you want some Neapolitan ice cream.



The baby stuff is really coming together. It feels kind of weird, but amazing at the same time.
The stroller, I friggin' love the thing. It's so adorable and easy to use (But it's not like I've given it a few test pushes around the house.)
And the swing OMG the swing. How could I love it any more?! The only thing I'm missing is the Pack 'n Play that my brother's gonna get for me. I think I would like a bouncer, but I don't really need one if I have a swing, right?

Anyway... I need a nap.

Goodnight.

Saying thanks.

To my friend,

Our friendship has blossomed in the past few months, and you have been such a great source of information, you've calmed me down when I didn't know what was going on... You've been there for me.

In light of my recent hormonal freaking out, You're coming over tonight. To eat and talk and commiserate. You recognized my need for someone to talk to, and you were worried. And that speaks volumes about you. About what kind of person you are.

The awesome kind.

Thank you, so much.


To my best friend, my lover, my greatest ally, and the best guy in the whole world,

I was having a really crappy day before I called you. You not only gave me my first smile of the day, but also my first laugh. AT THE SAME TIME. Cause, you're just that good.

I wish I could express to you how deeply I love you. How much you mean to me, and how wonderful you've been during the past 7 months. You've been everything I've needed, and so much more. I could never have asked for a better person to be by my side throughout one of the most exciting and exhilarating, yet trying and exhausting.

Thank you. For loving me. I know I say it all the time, but really. Thank you.


For everyone who thought of my daughter, and gave to a very needy, expecting couple:

THANK YOU. MY DAUGHTER THANKS YOU. Now, she has stuff to go on her bum. And in her mouth. Thanks to those who showed up to the baby shower, and even those who wanted to. Believe me, it meant a lot.

Done.

Oh, god. I'm totally that girl. That blogger girl who only blogs when she has something to complain about.

Ugh. How awful of me.

Yet, here I am again!
I think I'm getting sick.

Why would I think this, you say? (Thank you for indulging me. This post wouldn't have gone very far without that...)
Well, I took the H1N1 vaccine.

What in the hell was I thinking? WAS I thinking? Shit, did I put on deodorant this morning?


Well, strangely enough, the vaccine has made me completely miserable.

If it's possible, in the 24 hours since I took it, I've been more hormonal. I've cried 3 times. Just all out bawl-fests.
Right after they gave it to me, I thought it could just be in my head, but I was really loopy. Like, not thinking straight... I "Shhh'd" my pizza at CiCi's yesterday, instead of blowing on it. And then I proceeded to laugh about it for like 2 minutes afterwards.
And it wasn't even that funny.

And every part of my body hurts. My wrists hurt. My neck hurts. My back, my legs, damn, even my eyeballs hurt.

Oh, and I got in trouble at work this morning. You see, they're telling me that I need to watch my cell phone usage during work. And my internet surfing. (Oops.)

I knew it was coming, but I also got two really emotionally-draining emails last night, which sent me into a whirlwind of emotional downfall. I cried for like a damn hour. Until I fell asleep, no joke.
I cried myself to sleep. Haven't done that since I was a young'n.

I think this week needs to end. I'm done with it. It's been a crappy week, and I want a new one! I also want to throw up my hands and be done with everything right now. I'm just DONE. Don't ask any more of me, cuz I will scream at you, then I will cry. Hysterically.

I'm a mess.

Whore-monal

I wish I could be basking in this weekend.
In how much fun I had, how wonderful it was to see friends and family. To spend time with them. To have them all there supporting me, my boyfriend, and my daugther.
And how loved I felt.

I wish I could be reminiscing on all of that.

Or how great it felt to put her swing together last night.
How great it feels to say that if she were born right now, whenever she got to come home? She would at least have a place to sleep, sheets to lay on, and a swing for us to rock her in. Something I couldn't have said last Friday.


Or I wish I could talk about how great it was to see Ed excited to start painting her room last night. He got all the primer up in about an hour. DAMN, he's good.


Because that's what I want to feel this morning. Happy. Loved. Proud. Excited.


What do I actually feel?

Sad. Heart-broken, a little. Disappointed in myself. Insecure. Unloved.
And the list just goes on...

I know 99% of it is hormones. Stupid hormones making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Oh, and that fight I had with Ed last night didn't help. And the fact that he ran off to go drink while I fell asleep doesn't help. And the e-mail that I got from my dad this morning that made me cry... Yeah, doesn't help EITHER.
Oh, and the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep doesn't help in me dealing with it all.

I can't deal with my hormones on no sleep. I just can't do it. They take over me, and I am subject to them.

And, like I said, the fight that Ed and I had last night... It wasn't an awful fight. Just... things were said that hurt my feelings. And yesterday, it kind of felt like he was kind of distant.
I know so much of it is spurred by the insecurities that I feel whenever I'm 1.) Unbelievably hormonal, and 2.) Tired as hell.


I wish it wasn't so hard....