Someone like you...

As last summer's end approached, temperatures were dropping and so was my ability to tolerate the pain that I had been voluntarily subjecting myself to since spring.
Someone was hurting me, on a near constant basis.
This song played, and it was like a call to the universe. I could use somebody. I'm ready now... I'm ready. I'm ready now. Somebody...

And I suppose I opened my eyes, because there he was.  Beautiful. Sweet. Thoughtful. Amazing. Brilliant.

And while it took me longer than it should have to finally realize the scope of my feelings for him, this song always made me think of him. Driving on my way home, the sun setting off in the distance in front of me. The wind blowing in my hair. And thoughts of him involuntarily running through my head.

He stole my heart, that summer. The long nights, and long talks. I was a goner from the beginning. As soon my heart was ready, he was ready for me.

And every time I hear that song now... It brings me back to the summer sun and the breeze in my hair, and the feelings that were stirring inside of me. That has now opened up into the most amazing relationship I've ever been in. Not without its struggles, but the struggles aren't what make us. It's how we get through them, with work and more love than I could have imagined.

I love you, ECR. More than words could ever hope to express.
And for the rest of my life, I will love you.

Lesson for today: Never tempt the universe.

When my dad was visiting yesterday, he asked how I was feeling.
My response? "Not that bad, actually. Not as bad as I thought I would by this point."

And then what does my body do? Makes me look like a lying liar. All the while, making me suffer unbelievable amounts.


Today has been awful. AWFUL. This morning, I woke up feeling just fine. Rested, which is actually a surprise for a Monday.
Then? I went and got PENCIL LEAD stuck in my foot, like a splinter. Which took 45 minutes of gouging in my foot to remove.
Then, after the pencil lead was removed... My nose started bleeding. Profusely.

On the way to work, Ed was driving me since he had a road trip to (and from) Little Rock today, and I actually had the nerve to say, "I think I should call in today. Whaddya think?"
His response was a normal Ed response. "No. You'll learn something with me, I don't like it when people shirk their responsibilities, so I won't ever let you do it. BLAHBLAHBLAH."

Truth is, I was feeling a bit... Off. Not good, for sure. It was hard to catch my breath, but not in the normal 'Oh-Theres-A-Baby-where-my-lungs-once-were' kind of way. It was more of a light-headed, I think I'm gonna pass out sorta way.

And then with the Braxton Hicks contractions, plus he was gonna be gone all day, leaving me without a way to go home should I need to.

Sure enough, come lunch. I ate. 30 minutes later, I got nauseous. And, I don't throw up. Only when I absolutely cannot avoid it any longer OMFG, IHATETHROWINGUP.
It's a mental block thing. Probably completely unhealthy. Meh...

I have been on the verge of throwing up all day long. And guess what totally helps??
BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS.

Man. There have been a butt-load of them today. And last night. And geez-us. I am Done with this.

But for now? I will cuddle with my man, and get some rest.

When I dream a perfect dream, you are in it, my love.

This morning, shortly before being awoken by a rude fly trying to kiss me. Repeatedly... I had a dream.

This dream was so beautiful, so perfect. Layliana was in it. In all of her newborn glory.

I gave birth to her. It was a normal labor and delivery, as normal as I can remember. I remember she came out, and they took her away from me. I had to go out and find her and yell at them to bring her back. Which was actually kind of difficult, since I'd just given birth and wasn't really feeling 100% yet.

By the time I got her back, she was so hungry. She was more than ready to breastfeed, and so I did. I remember in my dream, I had to replace my nipple once it was in her mouth. (My friend told me, Shove the whole thing in there!) And so I did, and it didn't hurt hardly at all, and it was just such a beautiful feeling, to nurse my child. My baby. My daughter.

I am already so much in love with her, I am ready to meet her.

Dear Baby Girl,

Hey there, sweet daughter o' mine...
You little rascal...
You little munchkin who pummels me every chance.
My sweet, baby girl whom I love so, so very much.

Just a thought... Just a quick idea I'd thought I'd run by you... See what you think of it. If you don't like it, you can throw it right back to me.

Would you mind it so much if you decided to go head-down, like YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BY NOW??

The thing is, the doctor's don't like it when you stay head-up. They won't let me push you out of me, and they'll instead gut me like a fish in order to get you out of me.
And there's just all sorts of complications from that? And I don't really want to be gutted like a fish?
Though, anything to keep you healthy, of course.

I was just thinkin'... if you don't have a problem with that, that it would really work out for both of us.

Love Always. And Forever.

Mommy

Friday. Again. G**damnit.

Happy:

• Cuz it's Friday.
• I had a sleep over last night, and it was fun. I passed out later than I usually do, but still at an unbelievably early hour. My 19 year old self would be ashamed.
• Tomorrow marks my weekend. 
• Last Sunday was filled with obligations on both mine and Ed's parts. We spent time together, technically, but didn't really get the time that we needed to make it another week without REALLY missing each other. And then, The Hell that was Monday happened, and he went to spend the night AND OMGZ.
  This Sunday? He promised would be allll for me.
  And I'm taking it. That's right! I am being selfish with mah man this Sunday, and keeping him all to myself.

Not Happy:

• This weekend is reserved for ME and ME ALONE (While Ed's not awake or home). For? Cleaning. That's right. I will not let myself sleep the weekend away like I do *every* weekend.
• This is the last day that my boss won't be at work. Part of me is happy about this, as some stresses will go down. But part of being her assistant means that her stresses become mine anyway, and those? Will go up. Yippee.
• WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN MY THANK YOU CARDS YET?! Whoops.

Seriously, every week, I reach Friday, and I am partially astonished that another week has gone by, HOW DARE IT?! I am not a week closer to my due date. And now that we're in the last 2 months, time just seems to be ticking down. Almost like I can hear it every second of every day.
And, then again, on Friday, I welcome it with open, exhausted arms. Every week seems to be longer than the preceding one. Every week is physically more taxing on me. Every week, I say, "If it wasn't Friday, I'd be flipping this week off and saying, 'Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Every week.

I don't know why Friday is such a huge issue for me. Perhaps because every Saturday means I'm another week along.

Also, What the EFF, May? You can't SERIOUSLY be SERIOUS about ending. Because, you're like what? 10 days away from quitting? SCREW YOU, MAY. I'm not talking to you anymore.

That's when I, I look at you...

I know it's cheesy, but I needed this on this dreary morning.

Miley Cyrus - When I look at you

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

 I love you, Ed. You are my light that reaches me when nothing else will. You are my strength when I feel like I am at the bottom of a hole and can't see a way out, and am too tired from digging myself there. You love me, in spite of all of my short-comings. You hold me, and I feel safe again. You kiss me, and I am flooded with all the love I have for you.


Layliana, I wish there were words to describe how much I love you. You make me want to be better, a better momma, a better role model for you. I love you, little girl. You are slowly, but surely becoming my world. I would break down walls for you, I would fight the whole world for you.
When I think I have nothing left, I think about you inside of me, and it gives me the strength, the knowledge that I have something to fight for now.

Focus on the good.

No. I will not focus on last night. On the fact that I spent 5 hours in a place where no 7 1/2 month pregnant chick should be.
I will not focus on the fact that if I had been there any longer, I might have actually gone into labor.

I will not focus on the fact that I slept alone last night, or the fact that I got frustrated with my cat, and kicked him out of the house to go play. And when he didn't come back by the time I went to bed, I just forgot about him. And when he did show back up this morning, he had a huge gash on his face.

I will not focus on how that makes me a bad mom. Or how, if I can't even take care of my cat, in the hell is someone going to entrust me with the safety of a newborn?!

I will instead focus on how when I did leave the hellish place, the one person I wanted was Ed. His face, his embrace. His kisses. Everything was what I needed at that moment. I finally felt safe again.
Even though he did leave to spend the night (It was a party that they'd been planning for a couple of weeks. I couldn't tear him away from it because I didn't want to be alone. I'm not 5. I'm about to have a baby, and I need to grow up and be more independent.)

I'm going to focus on the text I got from him last night, the one where he said he misses me? And wishes I was there? The one that jolted me out of a dream about aforementioned 'hellish place', and put a smile on my face. A text that after receiving, I was sent back into dreamland with positive, loving thoughts. Because of a text from the right person.

The right person. And he so is. The right one for me. The man who wants to fight for me. Who gets scared for me, who loves me with all of himself.

I will also choose to focus on the beautiful day outside.
The sun shining brightly.
The birds that are singing right outside my window as I work.
And my daughter.
Who is now head down, again. (Though, not to jinx anything here..)
Who is my motivation. When I was in said hellish place, one thought kept running through my head. And from that one thought, I found more strength than I ever knew I had. "Be strong... Be strong for her."

I haven't completely repaired physically from the little jaunt into 'hellish place'. My back is still in enormous amounts of pain, and I'm having more contractions that I'm comfortable with.
But I'm out. I'm here. With the freedom to choose to focus on the beautiful things.
With the the choice to be strong, for my daugther.
With the ability to love a man who is more beautiful than all the stars in a midnight sky.

Because, though I mess up. I stumble, I fall. I get tripped by bullshit in life,
I am still a strong woman, as long as I make the right choices.