That's when I, I look at you...

I know it's cheesy, but I needed this on this dreary morning.

Miley Cyrus - When I look at you

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

 I love you, Ed. You are my light that reaches me when nothing else will. You are my strength when I feel like I am at the bottom of a hole and can't see a way out, and am too tired from digging myself there. You love me, in spite of all of my short-comings. You hold me, and I feel safe again. You kiss me, and I am flooded with all the love I have for you.


Layliana, I wish there were words to describe how much I love you. You make me want to be better, a better momma, a better role model for you. I love you, little girl. You are slowly, but surely becoming my world. I would break down walls for you, I would fight the whole world for you.
When I think I have nothing left, I think about you inside of me, and it gives me the strength, the knowledge that I have something to fight for now.

Whore-monal

I wish I could be basking in this weekend.
In how much fun I had, how wonderful it was to see friends and family. To spend time with them. To have them all there supporting me, my boyfriend, and my daugther.
And how loved I felt.

I wish I could be reminiscing on all of that.

Or how great it felt to put her swing together last night.
How great it feels to say that if she were born right now, whenever she got to come home? She would at least have a place to sleep, sheets to lay on, and a swing for us to rock her in. Something I couldn't have said last Friday.


Or I wish I could talk about how great it was to see Ed excited to start painting her room last night. He got all the primer up in about an hour. DAMN, he's good.


Because that's what I want to feel this morning. Happy. Loved. Proud. Excited.


What do I actually feel?

Sad. Heart-broken, a little. Disappointed in myself. Insecure. Unloved.
And the list just goes on...

I know 99% of it is hormones. Stupid hormones making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Oh, and that fight I had with Ed last night didn't help. And the fact that he ran off to go drink while I fell asleep doesn't help. And the e-mail that I got from my dad this morning that made me cry... Yeah, doesn't help EITHER.
Oh, and the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep doesn't help in me dealing with it all.

I can't deal with my hormones on no sleep. I just can't do it. They take over me, and I am subject to them.

And, like I said, the fight that Ed and I had last night... It wasn't an awful fight. Just... things were said that hurt my feelings. And yesterday, it kind of felt like he was kind of distant.
I know so much of it is spurred by the insecurities that I feel whenever I'm 1.) Unbelievably hormonal, and 2.) Tired as hell.


I wish it wasn't so hard....