Sweet Dreams..

My daughter is 8 months old. Up until this week, she hadn't been sleeping.. Well, at all. Nothing except 3 hour stretches. And I don't call 3 hour stretches sleeping!

I'd tried everything. I'd looked to everyone I knew for advice. I'd done the routine every night. She only took one nap, and she was already able to go to sleep without a bottle in her mouth! Which was a huge accomplishment. But STILL! Nothing!

Still... Every. Three. Hours.

I called a friend, as a last resort. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, or not doing. Why was my baby unable to sleep through the night like every other baby I know! Even the ones that are far younger than she.

I owe this girl lunch someday, seriously. She just suggested a couple of things. Feed her an oatmeal bottle right before bed. Another friend suggested a cold bottle when she wakes up. And don't pick her up. If you have to change her, leave her in the crib. Which I'd tried briefly before, but didn't seem to make one lick of difference, so I stopped.

The first night, when she woke up less than 3 hours after I'd put her down, I texted Ed, bawling. Here I was, trying so hard, doing everything I can possibly think of to do... And I can't even get 3 hours! Are you kidding me?!
I was so discouraged. So frustrated. But my friend, Shawna, and Ed talked me down. Encouraged me to keep it up...

That night, after she woke up, she slept for 7 hours straight. The two nights after that, it was 6 hours. Then, last night, it was 9 hours!!

Hall-AY-FREAKING-lujah.

I had gone to bed early, so therefore, when she woke up at midnight, I was unable to succumb to slumber for another 3 hours. But when I finally did, I ended up getting 6 straight hours of sleep. SIX. As in, an almost normal amount!*

After 8 months of waking up at least once every night (even when I didn't have her.), I finally have a child that sleeps all night. I mean, would 10 or 12 hours be better? Of course. But as hard as I've fought for 6 or 9, I'm taking it! 

My advice to any mother is don't wait to sleep train your baby. I was struggling with depression. I wasn't strong enough to sleep train her months ago, and it was that much harder for me when I was strong enough. She was set in the habit of waking up, and of course, breaking a bad habit is harder than setting a good one.

*Sorry for all the exclamation points in this post. You just have no idea how long I've waited for this.

I could say...

When I was 22, I was involved with someone, in a situation that was bad for me. Really bad for me... I made terrible decisions, and I suffered for them. To this day, this person remains the only thing in my life that I regret, that I would go back and undo.

When I broke this person's heart, because I'd finally come to my senses, he sent me this song. It made me feel selfish, which maybe I was... But maybe I finally needed to be.

Almost 3 years later, I am so much a different person. I could never do the things that I did back then. I would never let someone control me the way I let him control and manipulate me.

More so, I know who I am...
I am Becca. I am... Strong, when I want to be. I will stand up for myself, but I pick my battles. Most of the time, I'd rather say you're right than continue fighting. I love laughing. I am totally into yoga. I am sometimes a huge bitch, especially if I've been consuming alcohol.

I am a mother. And a damn good one. I have finally found my soul mate. And he's a damn good father. He makes me a better person.

And I would never let someone make me feel like he did. So cruel for doing what was right for me...

This person contacted me recently... Said he saw me and my daughter. Commented on how happy I looked...
And I am. Because I choose who gets to be in my life. And I choose good people. Supportive people. People who love me for who I am...

And that doesn't include someone like you.

Hard and tough decisions

Today I had to 'unfriend' an old friend on Facebook. Silly, I know. (OOO, You unfriended someone on Facebook.) Big fucking deal.

But it really was... This person was someone I used to call a friend. My best friend, even. For me, 'friend' isn't a temporary title. I don't let people in all that easily. I don't care for someone and then just... stop.

Apparently this is a rare trait.

I have become, for some inexplicable reason, the target for her misery. You see, I've been in a constant battle with depression ever since I had my daughter. I treasure every happy moment I have, because I've known too many days, weeks even, that I didn't know very many of them.
But, as the old saying goes, 'Misery loves company.' And this person was trying to cut me down, for the smallest things.

She can hate on me all she wants. She can judge and berate me for every little decision I make. But that doesn't mean that I have to sit there and take it. I don't have a very large group of friends, because I don't keep many acquaintances.  And I definitely don't make it a habit to keep negative people around me.
I have enough shit to deal with. I try and make smart decisions about who I keep company with people that build me up. People that love me, and care about me. Not people who make it a habit of cutting me down.

I'm sorry. There was a point in time when I truly cared about you. And it breaks my heart to know that those days may never return.
I wish it didn't have to be so.

Good bye.

I remember...

• I remember finding out I was pregnant. I remember not being able to sleep because I wanted to take that damn pregnancy test. And then peeing on it, and then running in and showing Ed.
  
• I remember throwing up. Every smell set me off. ESPECIALLY THAT ONE RIGHT THERE GET IT AWAY FROM ME. EW.
  
• I remember reading almost non-stop about my pregnancy. I think that I felt that the more I read about it, eventually it would become real.
  
• I remember feeling the baby kick for the first time. I remember freaking out when I didn't feel it again for like a week... I even called up the doctor and asked them if there was something wrong.
   
• (Answer: No, you crazy pregnant chick.)
  
• I remember having no clue how much my life was going to change. And knowing that I had no clue.
  
• I remember our birthing classes. I remember the excitement that was in the air.
  
• I remember the warm nights walking out of the class, I remember perfect moments driving home. Knowing that I was preparing for the hardest thing I'd done thus far in my life.
  
• I remember being 36 weeks pregnant, and feeling that 6 more weeks? Would be the death of me. SIX MOAR WEEKS?! THAT'S LIKE... A MILLION YEARS!!
  
• I eventually started answering the question, "When are you gonna have that baby?" with "NEVER. SHUDDUPIHATEYOU."
  
• I remember waking up at 10:30pm, on Friday, July 2nd with a contraction. I waited about a half hour to an hour to text Ed. And he still didn't come home for an hour after that... (I wanted to be POSITIVE that I was in labor. When I finally went to the hospital, I was not gonna get sent home.)
  
• I remember pushing. I pushed like my life depended on it. Part of it was that I was DONE. BEING. PREGNANT. GET THIS EFFING BABY OUT OF ME!!
  And another part of it was that I wanted to meet her. I was bringing my baby into the world. And what better motivation is there?!
  
• I remember looking over after they took her off my stomach, to weigh her and what-not, I looked at Ed, and he embraced me, tears rolling down our faces. In that moment, everything was perfect. In that moment, we had become a family.

When people ask me, "So, how is it? Being a mommy?" It's wonderful, amazing, perfect, fulfilling. And it's stressful, and challenging, and non-stop. It's flipping your life upside down. It's giving up nearly everything selfish, and doing for the baby. Always thinking of someone else.

And it's those moments. When she looks at you.. When she smiles.. When she laughs.. When she touches your face, and stares adoringly at you.

Parenthood is the hardest thing I've ever done. But worth every second. Every sleepless night. Every hour she's spent screaming non-stop.

It's everything I've ever dreamed of... Everything I've ever wanted from life.

Some random story that I'm pretty sure no one cares about other than me.

Our sweet Layli-girl spent the night at Aunt Danielle's last night. Which, seeing as how I've been on non-stop mommy duty since she dropped her off on Monday afternoon, I was very grateful. Plus, I got to hang out with some completely awesome people. Well, and get completely sh-mammered. What else would a mommy do on a night off??


I had the option of letting her stay over there tonight as well. But as soon as Ed dropped me off from the bar, I was guilt-ridden and going through Layli-withdraws. It was awful.
I think I even cried. (I r pathetic. )

It's weird how much I can miss that little crying, poop machine. ;-)

I got to Danielle's house today, and she was asleep, but immediately woke up. Cranky and obviously hungry. I think if she could, she would eat her hands. But, luckily for us, they're too big to fit in her mouth.

So, I made her a bottle, and she ate the entire damn thing. Girl was HON-GREH. She never just sits there and eats. She will take an hour to eat a whole bottle. (It's quite frustrating, but when I approached the pediatrician about this, he was like, welll, she doesn't have a weight problem. So, uhhh, why are you worried again?? And what exactly do you want me to do about it?? THANKS FOR THE HELP, DOC. At least I ain't payin' you. (Good ole Uncle Sam) )

Wait, what was I talking about again??

Oh yeah, so I packed her up and headed home. At three o'clock.
CHILD STAYED ASLEEP UNTIL 7pm!!

At which point she woke up, and proceeded to scream at us for an hour. I mean, pissed off, cannot-and-will not-be-happy-DON'T-EVEN-TRY-WOMAN type screaming.

But she was apparently a little angel for Aunt Danielle.

Because, of course she was.

Even slept through the night for her.
Because, of course she did.

WHAT'S THE SECRET HERE? Shot of rum in the formula? Sleeping pills?? Continuous drops on the head until she finally 'goes to sleep'. Are you 'putting her to sleep' via a choke hold?? I must know her methods!!

And, well, she's passed out again. At 9pm.

I'll take it. After an hour of being screamed at... I'll take it. I would much rather a sleeping angel than a pissed off baby with a screaming fetish.

O HAI.

So, I suppose I should update this damn thing. You see, being a mother takes away a lot of energy and time for a lot of things. Whoda thunk it, right?

Anyway, sweet Layliana is most definitely here. In her almost 10 week-old glory. She's beautiful, and perfect. And just about the most wonderful thing on this planet.

Before I had her, I tried to ask all the moms I knew about what their first moment was when they saw their child. I heard a lot of different reactions. From one mom who was terrified of her child for the first few hours, to some moms who were indifferent. Some moms were relieved...

I guess I was trying to know... Trying to predict what my moment would look like.

The moment they sat her on my chest, I was... In love. I was captivated. All I could do was touch her and tell her, "Hi, Beautiful"
She was the single most beautiful thing I'd ever seen up to this point in my life.

And she's such a joy. We're both so in love, though I think I'm a little more head over heels for her at this point. Daddy still thinks she's more of a pain right now. Just wait until her personality really starts to shine and he'll be a goner!

Everyday we just sit there for as long as she'll let me, and just smile and laugh and be in the greatest mood. It's so amazing to see her. To watch her grow every day.

Life hasn't been easy since she arrived. It's not just the stress of a new baby, there's stresses on our relationship, and my battle with Postpartum depression.

After I stopped breast-feeding, I sank so low. I should have known right away that it was more than 'baby blues'. But I didn't. At my 6-week postpartum appointment, I asked the doctor for some medicinal help.

It's been 3+ weeks since I started taking it, and it's finally started to kick in. My hormonal insecurities that were eating at my relationship have all but disappeared.
And truthfully? It feels amazing not to be depressed anymore. It hurt so bad. I'm finally getting back to a point where I feel better than I think I ever have in my entire life. (For the most part, I've always battled hormones.)

My sweet baby girl has given me a reason to work on myself. I want to be a better person, a better mommy, for her. She's honestly the light of my life, and my future husband is my world.

This family ain't perfect. We have laundry that piles up that I think I will be working to diminish for the rest of my life. We have dirty dishes in the sink and I don't think I've taken a shower today. (Totally on my list though! ;-) )

But I love this little family. So completely. I've changed from the girl that I was almost a year and a half ago. I'm a mommy now. I'm a woman.
And for the first time, in probably ever, I love myself. I love my life.

Thank you, Layliana. For giving me so much more than you will ever know...

No baby.

Just sayin'...

There's no baby here.

I'm beginning to think she's settled in for a long winter's nap. Or that she's actually not a baby at all, and just a growth that people have failed to diagnose correctly. A growth that started 9 months ago.

Done.

Did I mention that part? SO. DONE.